Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
