I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
