I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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