My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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