Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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