youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
