Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
