I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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