I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
