I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YAS. BRING CRAB.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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