A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize