dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
