put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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