I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
