I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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