or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
