I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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