Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
