I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
