i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
