I skipped work to stalk him.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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