I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
