why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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