The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
