i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't deserve a penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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