i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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