I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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