Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
