Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
