I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
