So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize