I puked a lego.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize