life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
