I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
