I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
