i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
