don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
