Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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