Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
