I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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