Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
