hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
