i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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