Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
