Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
