new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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