Jerry, you need to find god
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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