Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
