The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
