Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
