4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
