Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
