I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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