I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
