I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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