textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
