So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
