even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize