I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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