the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
